Sure, it's not the kind of sport that earns you multi-million dollar pro contracts and a bevy of groupies knocking at your hotel door, but ping pong's a fun game all the same. There's word on the street that the game is back with a vengeance, though, so you may want to look at improving your table tennis prowess.
The easiest way to trash your opponents? If you're good at pissing people off, I suggest teasing them that their life will continue to amount to nothing even if they win. Barring that, you can arm yourself with the Brodmann Blades, a new ping pong paddle that wears on your hand like a glove.
Hailed (by the manufacturer, most likely) as the first major innovation in table tennis in a long time, the Blades could make table tennis just a tad more exciting. Since the hand-worn paddle facilitates improved ergonomics, heightened comfort and better sensory feedback, it's expected to lead to better ball control and a faster-paced game. In fact, the retail page claims it allows you to put more spin on the ball, apart from helping you tout a more powerful backhand.
The Brodmann Blades are sold in a set of two paddles, four branded balls and two terry wristbands, all shipped inside a snazzy-looking case for $100. I doubt it will improve your level of play enough to win over a seasoned competitor, but it should make the game more accessible even to clumsy dorks like you. Of course, ping pong itself looks like a clumsy dork's game, so you should fit right in.