It doesn't take long to realize that having kids lets people get off easier at work. From coming in late ("I need to bring my kid by the doctor") to being exempt from overtime ("I promised my kids I'll be at their recital"), those parents have it good. Sucks for those of you without children, right?
Not so much, if you use the Office Kid, a utilitarian kit that lets you pretend to have a little one at home. Just like your offspring-laden co-workers, you can enjoy the unlimited get-out-of-work perk that only having children could ever bring.
Starter set includes a framed photo of your child (you pick the gender and ethnic background), a crayon-drawn artwork (that you should hang somewhere in your cubicle) and various reading materials, all housed in a metal lunch box. You get full instructions on how to employ the photo and drawing to great effect, along with all sorts of excuses you can use for taking time off the job.
Why pick up the slack when your co-workers can't do the job because they have "family responsibilities"? Isn't it time you enjoyed the same benefits? Should the single framed photo and artwork get stale, you can even order additional products from Office Kid, including more crayon drawings, Photoshopped photos (with you in it) and doctor's notes. Just make sure to come up with excuses why you can't bring your kids to family functions organized by your office and you'll be set.
The Office Kid Starter Kit is available for $19.95, with each additional item priced between $5 and $10 apiece. Such a small investment for plenty of flexibility in your work life. Just make sure never to get caught.