Many new smartphones have built-in security that can help you recover it when it gets lost or stolen. And people seem to love it. So why not put that same feature in everything you own? Oh yeah, because they aren't mini-computers that's probably more powerful than the first PC you ever used (if your first PC was more powerful than today's smartphones, then I'm talking to your dad). Anyway, these Theft Recovery Microchips should help with that problem.
Granted, they aren't as sophisticated as what you can do with phones, since those things have a working GPS, a powerful CPU and a whole host of sensors that let you follow them remotely. These chips, however, allow you to lay down ownership on your stuff -- it's like writing your name on it with a marker, only more sophisticated.
To use the Theft Recovery Microchips, simply insert them discreetly into any object. The product page suggests drilling a hole and using the included drill bit to insert the chip, which you should be able to easily do on the wooden frame of that $1.3-million painting hanging in your living room and similar prized possessions. If drilling isn't an option, they also threw in a tube of epoxy, so you can stick it to a discreet spot on the object (like under the battery of your gaming laptop or along the length of your ultra-rare triple barrel revolver).
Once you've installed the chip on the item, you'll need to register the chip to a proprietary global database, which will then keep it for posterity. We're not sure if that database is something law enforcers actually check, though, but we're guessing they do -- otherwise, how else will they know that the diamond-encrusted Furby bear recovered from a smuggling ring's hideout is yours, right?
The Theft Recovery Microchips are sold from Hammacher Schlemmer in sets of five, priced at $99.95.