Swords are as perfect a grilling accessory as a weapon can get. You slay the animal with your sword, slice it with the same blade, skewer the meat along its length and plunge it into the burning flames. Since we doubt the wife will let you buy a real sword, you can make do with this: the BBQ Sword.
Designed to fulfill your destiny as a swashbuckling barbecue chef, the grilling accessory styles itself as the unholy union of a sword and a twin-pronged grilling fork. Plus, it comes with a mask, so you can fancy yourself as Zorro while sticking the fork in the sausage to turn it over.
The BBQ Sword measures over 19 inches long - a bit short for a real sword, but long enough to attack the meat without putting yourself near any flames. Made from stainless steel, it comes with a handguard for built-in protection when cooking marshmallows in an open flame. The fat, wooden handle should make it easy to ensconce the cooking tool with a swordsman-like grip, allowing you to turn it in various directions with little difficulty.
Because of its ability to double as a functional weapon (those sharp ends could seriously injure), you'll have to be 18 or older to purchase one. There's no need to prove your maturity level, since it's safe to assume you're probably stuck in adolescence. Yes, that time in life when fart jokes are at their funniest (which goes to explain you farting apps collection).
Do note that the mask is just a cardboard cutout printed on the packaging carton, so you'll have to be really, really immature to even bother. And we have complete faith that you would.
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