A pen has always been a decent weapon. With enough thrust, you can poke that pointed end to deliver a world of hurt. The Uzi Tactical Pen, which comes with a sharp DNA catcher right on the crown, should prove even more useful as a self-defense tool.
Made from aircraft aluminum, the pen can withstand a litany of abuse, whether from dropping, slamming or repeated thrusting into an attacker’s body parts. Not only will it continue to write after being put through all that, it can imprint your thoughts to paper even while submerged in water or held upside down.
The Uzi Tactical Pen, in many ways, is just a regular writing implement. It measures 6 x .55 inches (l x d), comes with a removable pocket clip and can accept standard refills designed for Parker and Fisher Price pens. The game changer, however, is the DNA catcher on the crown, which you can wield to give your enemies a shallow but painful stab in any part of their body. Not only will you hurt them temporarily, their DNA will automatically latch onto the crown, allowing you to work your forensic pseudo-science on it, acting like you’re CSI and all that. Because of its tough and sharp properties, the catcher can double as glass breaker too, in case you ever find yourself locked inside a glass tube aboard an alien mothership.
Just in case you’re wondering, it is a real, licensed Uzi product, complete with the name and logo right on the cylinder. That way, you can win all bragging contests in the schoolyard, “Your dad has a shotgun? My dad gave me an Uzi for Christmas, you little unloved orphan.” If they ask for proof, just show them the pen and say it comes with the package, so you can collect the DNA of all the drug dealers and gangsters you encounter in the mean streets of your gated community.